Found this interesting post on Huffington, please READ!
I’m one of the lucky ones: I’m
married to my soul mate.
The first time I ever saw Nige, my
heart caught in my throat and my stomach dropped faster than you can say “love
at first sight.” I was captivated, awed and knocked sideways by the depth of my
attraction to him.
We met during a life-changing
workshop. He was an assistant, I was participating. Having clawed my way to
life over the previous two year from an disorder that ravaged my soul and
filled me with shame, I had learned to practice radical honesty — especially
when I didn’t want to.
“Secrets keep you sick,” my mentors
said. I didn’t want to be sick, so I went against all my instincts and told
Nige and the group members in the therapeutic community he was co-leading of my
attraction.
There was never an agenda for me
other than to feel better.
Somehow, my honesty made way for
love to enter. Four years after that first moment, we went on a date. Eight
years after that first encounter — almost to the day — we got married.
My commitment to honesty means that
I share the secrets and dark thoughts that would otherwise quietly eat away at
my sense of self-trust and integrity.
Today, my secret is this: I love my
husband, but I often want to cheat.
Recently, I met K while walking the
dog. We just… clicked. The conversation flowed easily, we shared doggy jokes
and I walked home a little taller, a little bit excited. I checked in with
myself: Do I fancy this man? The answer was a resounding ‘No.’ I wasn’t
physically attracted to him.
Yet, I was happy when we bumped into
each other on the field from time to time. I lingered longer than I normally
would. He seemed kind of troubled, unclear about his life. His dissatisfaction
with the world, his relationship and himself leaked out through seemingly
innocuous comments. No, I wasn’t attracted.
Then, one day, we spent two hours
together. The evening was chilly. Normally I would have gone home, but I
didn’t. Neither did he. We just… stayed. Talked, joked, hung out.
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A fellow dog walker asked us if we
were married. Alarm bells went off. I thought of Nige and a quiet guilt nagged
at me. This had become a secret.
Over the following days, I obsessed
over K, wondering whether I’d see him. I was confused — I wasn’t attracted to
this man physically, yet I was getting off on the idea that he liked me.
Here’s what I don’t want you to
know: I started walking Molly past his house, hoping to “accidentally” bump
into him.
I “coincidentally” walked the dog at
the time he walked his — 6 p.m.. I felt disappointed each time I didn’t see
him.
I thought about him a lot. At work,
on the way to work, on the way home, at home, in the morning, while walking,
while spending time with Nige.
His name even came to mind while my
husband and I were having sex. I mentally ejected him from my thoughts — I
wasn’t even attracted to him, and I had never fantasized about anyone else
while being intimate with Nige.
The cumulative impact of these
behaviors — these secrets — on my sense of integrity was indubitable.
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