15 Most Disappointing Things About sex, According To Men

Because however much we want it to feel like were the star of our own porn film, it usually doesnt.

1. Sex toys:All of them have knocked mans genitalia down a peg. How do we compete with 11inch gadgetsthatrotate? The last time I looked, Idont twizzle in a circular motion (although how awesome would that be?).

2. Premature ejaculation:Baby, I swear its never happened before. It happens all the time.

3. When she rolls over and says, is that it?:Yes, thats it. Would you like me to make to perform a card trick or make you a giraffe out of balloons? continue..

4. Not swallowing:Go hard or go home, as the saying goes. Theres nothing less sexy than a forced smile and a bedside spittoon followed by a thorough rinse with Listerine.

5. The fact that its not porn:Making love is just wonderful. But 80 per cent of the time man dreams of his bedroom as the set of an X-rated movie.

6. Condoms:Yes, they may be a safeguard against pregnancy and stop the spread of STIs, but they dont feel nice (of course, we wear them anyway).

7. When she doesnt make any noises:Man needs encouragement. Its no different than being cheered on at the sidelines of a rugby match. So give us the odd moan to let us know were doing okay, yeah?

8. When she makes too many noises:Theres moaning with pleasure, then theres wailing like a deer thats injured itself in the woods. Dont be that person.

9. When you try an exotic position and it fails:Its time to try out that move youve highlighted in the Karma Sutra you bought from that sex shop where couples scuttle around awkwardly fondling dildos. But what appears to be a fun and exciting position quickly turns into a naked wheelbarrow race and someone usually gets hurt.

10. Being told size doesnt matter:Of course size matters, maybe not for sex, but having a big Johnson makes man feel ten times manlier.

11. Going flaccid halfway through:The only passable excuse for going floppy is because youve had too much sex (LAD). But its important to stress that this is absolutely no reflection on the woman were sleeping with. Its not your looks that come into play here, ladies, trust me man can and will make love to anything that gives it permission.

12. Sweating:They say sex is the best form of exercise, but thats what gyms are for. Man doesnt have time for sweat in the bedroom. No one wants that hulking brow bead to tumble into their womans eye or mouth.

13. Floating a threesome:Man cant propose a threesome without looking like a horny sex pest. But apparently theres an app for organising the trio-lay now. What a time we live in.

14. Being judged:Even when women say they are not judgmental about a guys performance, there may as well be a panel of sexperts at the end of your bed holding up scores.

15. Being asked if you can go again almost immediately after youve finished:Sure, let me just wind up my piece and getback on the horse (so to speak). It doesnt work like that. Women, give us AT LEAST an hour. If youve met a man who can rise to the challenge within minutes then you keep him and you never let him go because he is some kind of asexual warrior.